Friday, January 30, 2009
The most satisfying part about Chinese New Year is seeing the numbers in my bank account shooting up. HUAT AH!!
iamnotaileen, 10:52 PM.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
hey dears,
sorry I had to lock the blog. I am just determined not to let unintended parties read.
sorry I had to lock the blog. I am just determined not to let unintended parties read.
iamnotaileen, 1:37 AM.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
2009 marks the tenth anniversary since I was acquainted with Best Friend.
For the past few years of my life, I have refused to acknowledge Best Friend as my "Best Friend". I just couldn't proudly announce to our friends that the joke of the day, a martian, the facially-challenged guy was my best friend. I guess it was just the perfectionist in me that demands for a best friend to be how it is like in those girl movies. Your best friend cries with you, laughs with you, burps infront of you, pillow-fight with you, stays over at your house and gossip till dawn with you (and goes back and gossip some more over the phone), hooks your arm and goes shopping with you, bitches about guys together, throws the best surprise bday party for you.. but somehow the best friend I had didn't really fit the bill and like how the society rejects the deviance, I reject this form of "Best Friend" as well.
And so I throw all kinds of sarcasm at him, poke fun at him as much as I could, laugh at hard at him as I could. But the funny thing is back in the comfort of my own home, we love to yak for hours over the phone. Whenever things go wrong for me, my fingers will dial his number. Be it bored, upset, depressed or happy, my fingers will dial his number, automatically. When I want to rant, he will let me rant. When I need to talk to somebody, he is always there. When my dress sense sucks, he will tell me that it is a piece of shit (although it is more of the other way around most of the time). And when he says he will stand up for me, he stood up for me. We talk all about the little secrets in our life and bitch about people together.
The one thing that made me realised that he is the Best friend was the fact that there is no need to hide myself infront of him at all. I probably couldn't, either, given the fact that he will see through me straight. I don't have to put on an objective front, I don't have to try to be nice, I don't have to be selective in my words or in my phrasing of sentences. I can tell him straight that he is an asshole when I feel that he is one, and he could call me a bitch when he feels that I am one. I can yell at him and turn into a machine gun when he drives me up the wall.
I guess our friends saw through me better than I could see through myself. They tease us: always saying that we will eventually end up together. Even up to this day, when I happen to meet old friends on streets, they will pop me the question, "XX leh? I tot you are always with him?"
It was really quite a ridiculous question to ask considering that he stays in his own hse and I stay in mine and therefore we can't always be together. But I get the connotation. They say best friends always end up together but no, Best Friend doesn't give me this sour achy feeling in my heart when we argue (he just raises the temperature of my blood), he doesn't creates the heart thumping effect whenever I see him, he doesn't makes me break into a smile when I spot him looking for me in the crowd from afar. No chemistry, they call it.
The only problem I foresee with having a Him as a Best Friend was him getting a girlfriend. Soon, Eileen Poh will become Desmond Poh in his phonebook and meeting him out will be like having an affair of sorts. No more late night calls because Girlfriend will want him to kiss her goodnight, no more random lunches and dinners because Girlfriend wants to spend time with him, and if he gets a crap gf who thinks her bf is a gem and everybody is out to snatch him, then I maybe in the danger of running another bad karma, or even losing my life (What is she stabs me?!! *horror*).
So in 2009, as we celebrate a decade of acquaintance, I am thankful that Best Friend is still Best Friend. Just remember not to woo any girls from that 5 categories we mentioned before and our friendship will just stay as strong as a diamond (diamonds are the hardest rocks around!!) :)
Happy Tenth.
For the past few years of my life, I have refused to acknowledge Best Friend as my "Best Friend". I just couldn't proudly announce to our friends that the joke of the day, a martian, the facially-challenged guy was my best friend. I guess it was just the perfectionist in me that demands for a best friend to be how it is like in those girl movies. Your best friend cries with you, laughs with you, burps infront of you, pillow-fight with you, stays over at your house and gossip till dawn with you (and goes back and gossip some more over the phone), hooks your arm and goes shopping with you, bitches about guys together, throws the best surprise bday party for you.. but somehow the best friend I had didn't really fit the bill and like how the society rejects the deviance, I reject this form of "Best Friend" as well.
And so I throw all kinds of sarcasm at him, poke fun at him as much as I could, laugh at hard at him as I could. But the funny thing is back in the comfort of my own home, we love to yak for hours over the phone. Whenever things go wrong for me, my fingers will dial his number. Be it bored, upset, depressed or happy, my fingers will dial his number, automatically. When I want to rant, he will let me rant. When I need to talk to somebody, he is always there. When my dress sense sucks, he will tell me that it is a piece of shit (although it is more of the other way around most of the time). And when he says he will stand up for me, he stood up for me. We talk all about the little secrets in our life and bitch about people together.
The one thing that made me realised that he is the Best friend was the fact that there is no need to hide myself infront of him at all. I probably couldn't, either, given the fact that he will see through me straight. I don't have to put on an objective front, I don't have to try to be nice, I don't have to be selective in my words or in my phrasing of sentences. I can tell him straight that he is an asshole when I feel that he is one, and he could call me a bitch when he feels that I am one. I can yell at him and turn into a machine gun when he drives me up the wall.
I guess our friends saw through me better than I could see through myself. They tease us: always saying that we will eventually end up together. Even up to this day, when I happen to meet old friends on streets, they will pop me the question, "XX leh? I tot you are always with him?"
It was really quite a ridiculous question to ask considering that he stays in his own hse and I stay in mine and therefore we can't always be together. But I get the connotation. They say best friends always end up together but no, Best Friend doesn't give me this sour achy feeling in my heart when we argue (he just raises the temperature of my blood), he doesn't creates the heart thumping effect whenever I see him, he doesn't makes me break into a smile when I spot him looking for me in the crowd from afar. No chemistry, they call it.
The only problem I foresee with having a Him as a Best Friend was him getting a girlfriend. Soon, Eileen Poh will become Desmond Poh in his phonebook and meeting him out will be like having an affair of sorts. No more late night calls because Girlfriend will want him to kiss her goodnight, no more random lunches and dinners because Girlfriend wants to spend time with him, and if he gets a crap gf who thinks her bf is a gem and everybody is out to snatch him, then I maybe in the danger of running another bad karma, or even losing my life (What is she stabs me?!! *horror*).
So in 2009, as we celebrate a decade of acquaintance, I am thankful that Best Friend is still Best Friend. Just remember not to woo any girls from that 5 categories we mentioned before and our friendship will just stay as strong as a diamond (diamonds are the hardest rocks around!!) :)
Happy Tenth.
iamnotaileen, 3:54 PM.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
I had a nightmare a few days ago.
Dreamt that my husband cheated on me and my kids. Dreamt that I was totally heartbroken, in complete despair and on the verge of breakdown. Cried till tears no more. And I dreamt that, for the sake of my kids and husband (because I fucking love him), I picked myself up and forgave that asshole.
They say dreams reflect what you thought of during consciousness. That was the case here. The very dream I had is what really scares me out of marriage.
I have always been telling JK this - that I would not hesitate to leave when betrayal occurs. But with kids in the picture, they add additional weight to your shoulders regardless of your decision to leave or not. Leave with the kids and you deprive them of the rights to a dad. Leave without the kids, this was never an option to me. Stay with the kids and the man, you better brainwash yourself into forgetting that he ever had someone else in his bed.
Which I reckon no women will be able to forget.
Forgive, maybe. Forget? I am rolling my eyes at this. Worse, the suspicion is here to stay. Always. It will haunt you when he tells you he needs to stay out late for work, when he goes into balcony to answer a call, when you thought you smell a whiff of perfume.. and the list goes on. All he has to do, really, is to step out of your sight and the suspicion kicks in. You start to worry, call him to check on him, check his phone for last dialled and received calls, or even call his friends and colleagues to verify his location. He gets mad, you argue back and bring up the affair. The past you both tried hard to forget is reminded. He apologies, you apologie too and swear to forget the past. But once he gets out of your sight, the suspicion kicks in and the whole vicious cycle, like a carousel, begins.
No no, you said. Since I am forgiving him, I need to trust him.
Can you do it then? Can you really do it? Or are you, each time you remind yourself to trust him, simply struggling to control that overpowering suspicion?
Of course all the above might not happen. Trust, faith or even love, you say, will prevent the unwanted. You will live happily ever after with enough trust, love and faith. But really, are those things guaranteed? Do you get a certificate stamped for that? No? Then nothing is ever true into the future, does it? How do you therefore, know for sure, that the loving bf now may not turn his back on you 10 years down the road?
Because you know he is not such a person? If you can't even know exactly what kind of person you are, on what grounds are you then able to make such judgments? Much less taking into consideration the fact that people do change.
Marriage is a gamble with your stake as the rest of your life. Yes I love you, but I can't imagine handing over the rest of my life to you, or anyone else that is to come.
Dreamt that my husband cheated on me and my kids. Dreamt that I was totally heartbroken, in complete despair and on the verge of breakdown. Cried till tears no more. And I dreamt that, for the sake of my kids and husband (because I fucking love him), I picked myself up and forgave that asshole.
They say dreams reflect what you thought of during consciousness. That was the case here. The very dream I had is what really scares me out of marriage.
I have always been telling JK this - that I would not hesitate to leave when betrayal occurs. But with kids in the picture, they add additional weight to your shoulders regardless of your decision to leave or not. Leave with the kids and you deprive them of the rights to a dad. Leave without the kids, this was never an option to me. Stay with the kids and the man, you better brainwash yourself into forgetting that he ever had someone else in his bed.
Which I reckon no women will be able to forget.
Forgive, maybe. Forget? I am rolling my eyes at this. Worse, the suspicion is here to stay. Always. It will haunt you when he tells you he needs to stay out late for work, when he goes into balcony to answer a call, when you thought you smell a whiff of perfume.. and the list goes on. All he has to do, really, is to step out of your sight and the suspicion kicks in. You start to worry, call him to check on him, check his phone for last dialled and received calls, or even call his friends and colleagues to verify his location. He gets mad, you argue back and bring up the affair. The past you both tried hard to forget is reminded. He apologies, you apologie too and swear to forget the past. But once he gets out of your sight, the suspicion kicks in and the whole vicious cycle, like a carousel, begins.
No no, you said. Since I am forgiving him, I need to trust him.
Can you do it then? Can you really do it? Or are you, each time you remind yourself to trust him, simply struggling to control that overpowering suspicion?
Of course all the above might not happen. Trust, faith or even love, you say, will prevent the unwanted. You will live happily ever after with enough trust, love and faith. But really, are those things guaranteed? Do you get a certificate stamped for that? No? Then nothing is ever true into the future, does it? How do you therefore, know for sure, that the loving bf now may not turn his back on you 10 years down the road?
Because you know he is not such a person? If you can't even know exactly what kind of person you are, on what grounds are you then able to make such judgments? Much less taking into consideration the fact that people do change.
Marriage is a gamble with your stake as the rest of your life. Yes I love you, but I can't imagine handing over the rest of my life to you, or anyone else that is to come.
iamnotaileen, 10:22 PM.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
I am so bored
that I did a search for my name on Google and ended up with 2 interesting finds:
1. My old blog add turned up first on the Google search engine -.-" I am inclined to think that some people from the faded past is responsible for this.
2. The second find is much more interesting. A music video titled "Come On Eileen" by Dexy's Midnight Runners, a British band! Lyrics is nothing fascinating but the melody is really lighthearted and catchy. By the time the video was done, the melody was rooted in my mind.
that I did a search for my name on Google and ended up with 2 interesting finds:
1. My old blog add turned up first on the Google search engine -.-" I am inclined to think that some people from the faded past is responsible for this.
2. The second find is much more interesting. A music video titled "Come On Eileen" by Dexy's Midnight Runners, a British band! Lyrics is nothing fascinating but the melody is really lighthearted and catchy. By the time the video was done, the melody was rooted in my mind.
The only thing that spoilt the song for me was their pronunciation of Eileen as Aileen. What the hell?
iamnotaileen, 11:33 PM.
The only new year resolution I made for myself this yr:
Dear girl, please love yourself more.
Happy 2009 to all.
Dear girl, please love yourself more.
Happy 2009 to all.
iamnotaileen, 3:56 AM.
